doku | VISIONS I HAD BURIED UNDERGROUND / RETURNING TO ABUSE US

[It's nice to finally have someone he trusts to talk about this kind of stuff. Was he going to get it from his parents? Hell no. Was he going to learn it in school? Dropped out too early. Was he going to get it on the street?

No. He's crazy, not stupid.]

I guess I never really understood it. I've never looked at a person and went, "of anything else in the world, I want to have sex with this person." The idea seems cool and all, but I think...I think I've never felt like I trusted someone well enough to like...ask for it...or something.

[Yeah, he really does not get it.]

[It's almost a little disheartening because, well, she figured that might be the case for him. She closes her notebook and leans back into the seat, glances over at him.]

There's usually a few more steps involved. First you meet someone that makes you happy in a way that's different from normal happiness, just being around them can make you smile or feel kind of at ease with things, and touching them is exciting - even if it's just holding hands or cuddling. Sex is usually the result of an intense emotional connection that can't stay within the boundaries of friendship. Trust and respect and arousal are things that come with time, and supposedly the best sex is had with someone you have all those things with.

[But she doesn't exactly know what that's like, so if he finds out he'll be the one to school her on it.]

[Uhhh.]

That...doesn't really sound like the procedure that you used with the tattooed teacher.

[Look, he's not really calling her a hypocrite...okay, well, maybe he is, but it's mostly because what she's telling him isn't necessarily adding up.]

[She flushes a bit and keeps her eyes in check. It's a valid statement!! Doesn't mean she has to like it.]

There's two things about that though! First of all, teenagers are usually chock full of hormones and the overwhelming desire to masturbate. But then a lot of teenagers don't go through massive trauma [Like Krieg must have.

Other teenagers who have gone through considerable trauma apparently find a form of escape in being sexually objectified. Life's a tricky beast that way.] so they've got time to want to yank it a lot, and then do it with other people. [She says this part very gently, but without a hint of patronization. It's not his fault he went through it, but even Nariko probably would have stopped caring about orgasms if she didn't have somewhere to live and was on her own.]

The other part of that is, y'know, I've never fallen in love, but I enjoy sex. I like ... [Wow this is weirdly difficult to say now that it's coming up.] ... The physical part of it is great, but when someone's touching me it feels like I'm wanted and desired, like I can give someone something that makes them feel amazing. For a little while I have someone who can only think about me, can only rely on me, that I get to have to myself.

[WOW HER FACE IS HOT.] ... So for me it's just chasing a stupid feeling.

[That's...surprisingly introspective, coming from Nariko. That isn't to say that he always thought her to be the shallow type, because he doesn't, but he's fascinated to know that she's put enough thought into this to really understand where her head is, especially with something people would rather just take for physical satisfaction and leave it at that.

Plus, even with how awkward it is for Nariko to talk about, he really appreciates it.]

So what you're saying is, you'd rather find love the way it is instead of chasing down Specs McTats all the time? I mean...I've loved people before, and I still do, but I can't imagine having sex with them. They're too much like family. Real...family.

[Kinda sounds like you thought she was a little shallow, Krieg, but that's fine. A lot of people tend to assume it to one end or the other, including herself! Case in point, he puts it very neatly and yet she can't say he's completely right.]

I'm saying that there are people who aren't [Worthy] ... good at finding real, actual love. So sometimes all those people can do is be grateful for what they can have and just leave it at that.

[She draws her fingers over the cover of her notebook.]

But I think for a lot of people it goes the way it's supposed to. Maybe it's taking longer for you [She shrugs.] or maybe you don't feel a desire for sex. There are people like that, too.

[Nariko? Not good at finding real love? Why does she sound like she's settling for second best...?]

I know that it's normal, but...I still feel like I'm missing out on something that could be fun.

[He wants to try it, he really does, but...does he know the right person yet? He glances at Nariko briefly, wordlessly.]

[You can't settle for something that you probably deserve in the first place.

They look at each other in the same instant, or nearly the same one. Something about his expression kind of strikes her in a certain way but she doesn't question it beyond that one little second.] Well, if that's the case then why not give it a try while we're in Vegas?

[There's got to be at least a few nice girls who'll be understanding and easy about it! Nariko can probably find them!]

[Even though he probably should, he says nothing in response to her idea. He doesn't give a voice to his uncertainty about the whole idea, the self-doubt, the absurdity of it all.

But maybe he'll feel different about it in the heat of the moment.]

I guess.

[She probably shouldn't have suggested it at all. If he really wanted to give it a shot there were multiple chances, right? So for a long moment or two she accepts that short response, taps on her notebook. This is - She shouldn't! So she won't! Not entirely.]

You're never gonna know unless you try, and you and I also know that life can be too short to not know certain things. [Take a shot for every time she says 'know', shit. But, hey if she's going to run around being a little whore it might as well be for a good purpose. Samaritan whore!]

So ... Maybe it'd be - Easier with a friend.

[And you're sitting right next to one.]

Just, y'know, a thought! That's all, feel free to churn.

[Just throw her out the window it might be less torturous.]

Maybe.

[Yeah, he can't sit here and pretend he didn't see her checking out his dick when it was hanging out. But, honestly, who else would he trust? Some stranger? Of course not. Nariko has...in theory...more than enough experience to how how to handle and guide a newbie like him.]

I'm...not against the idea.

[A whole lot less against the idea than having sex with a stranger, that's for sure.]

[She didn't see anything!!!! ... And come to think about it he was lying next to her that whole morning and there was pretty much nothing in that department, right? Although maybe all that means is that Krieg isn't an undercover creep, or the sort of pervert that one has to be concerned about.]

I'm not either. [Shit, okay, that was obvious, why did she say that?] I mean, it's just - my first time was basically the most horrible thing. I hated every second of it, and it probably would have been better if I'd done it with a friend!

[Poor Jeremy, it wasn't all his fault but the guy could have stood to go a bit slower with her.]

Yeah. I've heard horror stories like that before.

[Which is probably why he's all hung up on doing it with someone he knows he can trust.]

Kinda...figured it might apply more to women than it would men, though.

[So why is he worried???]

I guess so, it's a lot more physical with them, in that sense. [If you don't prepare a girl or take care with it then that results in the dreaded not-at-all-standard bleeding, which is scary.]

But the first time is ... Heavy. It's like having a bunch of energy and not knowing where to direct it, you can feel infinite and small at once, aware of the opposing nature but completely helpless to it all the same. And before you figure out how it's supposed to work those feelings can be terrifying.

[This is completely embarrassing but maybe it'll help to admit it:] I mean, I didn't - for the whole first eight months after I didn't even, y'know, finish. That feeling was scary, and I didn't want to experience something that would make me feel even more out of control than I already did, and was.

[This is a long, meandering tale, sorry Krieg.] I think that's something men can feel too. Maybe not in the exact same way, but similarly enough.

[The real kicker here, the thing she hopes he'll realize without her saying so, is that now she's a pretty sexually adventurous and free person, but even Nariko for all of her charm and slick moves was once a very embarrassed, shy stick of a girl. It was a bumpy and unsettling process - the sexual freedom was somewhat earned, in that sense.]

["Infinite and small at once." That sounds...really, really exciting, probably moreso than it's meant to be.]

Heh...that's pretty good. You should compose something around that.

[Imagine, Nariko, you now have the freedom to write all the songs about sex to your heart's content.]

That being said, uh...do you think you have to master the "basics" before you move onto kinkier stuff...?

[Eight months is a long time to wait before he can get to where he really wants to be. If this sounds like a leading question, well, that's because it is.]

[Well isn't that an interesting question.]

I'd think the 'basics' are just composed of feeling comfortable enough with yourself to want to try other stuff with your partner. [Except ...]

I mean, if you're talking about suspension and tying people up intricately then there is something of a learning curve if you're the dominant one. It's important to know how to do that stuff without cutting off circulation or hurting a limb.

[She's heard horror stories of her own, and experienced enough of that stuff correctly to appreciate how horrifying it'd be to have it done incorrectly.

............. He's a virgin ........ Already asking about kink ........] Why, is there something specific you wanted to try out?

[They're how many minutes into this conversation and he doesn't get an erection until she mentions suspension?]

It's, uh.

[Ooookay.]

The only way I've been able to get off. By tying myself up and...yeah.

[How, uh, specific.]

Edited 2016-03-20 23:14 (UTC)

[It's specific enough that she sort of gets the point.]

So you're into bondage. I think you pretty much answered your own question.

[Well, it was a leading question to begin with, so there's that.] Although, if that's the only way it's worked, vanilla sex might just be really boring.

[Yep. She got right to the heart of the issue without even trying.]

I mean--I don't want to get invested to get bored half way through, and--I don't think you're boring, Iko, but, just to get my blood boiling...

[Sorry for the rambling.]

But--if you're not into that, it won't be...good. For you, I mean.

[He doesn't really know how to talk it out but at least his heart's in the right place.]

[No, there was a little bit of effort involved, just like there's a bit of effort going into parsing this out in a far more complete manner. At least it's a stark enough conversation now that she isn't in her head so much.] All right, it's a lot easier to just start from the beginning here, so let's stick with 'yes' or 'no' answers if it can be helped.

[She is taking charge here, Krieg, just go with it.]

The curiosity is in regards to having sex with another person, to include some amount of penetration, right?

[Answer goes here.]

[Well she made it look effortless...to him! Look, she's like The Sex Whisperer in his eyes right now, okay, don't ruin it.]

...Right.

[What is sex without some kind of penetration? Heavy petting.]

And you think I won't enjoy any of it because you like being tied up to get yourself going? But if you go with that you're also worried you won't be able to get it, or keep it up, for lack of a smoother way to put it?

[She'd be pretty happy to know that it looked effortless to him!]

Edited 2016-03-21 01:19 (UTC)

Yes and yes.

[SEE? Look at how good she is at this.]

So wouldn't it make sense if I just tied you up and then just rode you?

[See, she knew that a solution would come to her if she talked it out a little!]

...More than enough sense.

[Oh my God, penis, do you mind? He's trying to drive here.]

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