doku | VISIONS I HAD BURIED UNDERGROUND / RETURNING TO ABUSE US

[Are you kidding? Beating himself up for stuff is like, one of the things he's best at! Other than composing music.]

Okay.

[Inhale. Exhale.]

...I don't think you'd be that fond of my arms if you found out what's under here. [he gestures to his sleeved arm. It's not so much that he wants to ruin her fantasy but it feels weird to have someone like your guns so much when they're such a point of self-contention. He works a lot harder on his abs to be perfectly honest.]

Edited 2016-03-21 19:07 (UTC)

Oh, man [Hey, at least she can laugh at herself a bit, even if it's a little bitter.] I think you're supposed to forget that I even said that!

[Except he can't do that anymore than she can swallow the words and unmake them. Life is hard that way.] I've always liked guys' arms, it's just one of those things. What you're covering is yours, and how I feel about it doesn't take away from how you feel about it.

[This is an incredibly awkward way of saying that he can think that what he's hiding is the end of the world all he wants, but for her it isn't. If she still had parts to cover, it's what she'd want a loved one to say to her, so - maybe it's a little bit of projecting.]

Oh, sorry.

[But the words exist! They live out there now, and she can't take them back! He gets the idea, though, and as much as she can't change his mind about how he feels about it, he can't change hers.

Unless he takes his sleeve off with the express purpose of grossing her out, and he doesn't believe that's really an option.]

For what it's worth, I like your arms too. [And her boobs, and her waist, and her legs, and her face, and her hips...]

[They're definitely out there, which is why she knows that if Krieg hadn't sort of picked up on some of her feelings before he either knows them now, or he's got a gigantic hint. She doesn't like either possibility.

Also is he just never, ever going to take it off? Dude you've got to clean yourself eventually and if nothing else, it's sort of a matter of time, right? But - he likes her arms, heh. It's - nice of him, she appreciates the little compliment.] Thank you, they're kind of plain.

[There's nothing special about her arms! The only notable positive is that they're pleasantly toned.]

But, hey, I was serious. [She finally looks back at him, and she looks perfectly normal, as if nothing awkward happened.] You have to know that I kind of shut down sometimes. It's just how I survived my house before I left for good, it's a difficult reflex to control, okay? We're fine.

[Oh, he takes it off. He has a whole set of these silly things, for all sorts of different purposes--swimming, cold weather, hot weather, looking edgelord. He just makes sure that he's absolutely alone when he changes it and the bandages (if needed).

Which will be hard now, considering they're in a trailer together. The concept of privacy really does not thrive in there.

And hey, not having flabby arms is nice.]

No, I get that--but I'm still worried. I'd never say anything like that to hurt you, but if we're--you know, doing it--I don't want to trigger you and kill the mood.

[Part of him wants to suggest that Nariko being the one in power, able to exact punishment on Krieg for saying those things in the context of good, clean, and well-intentioned fun, might help her work these things out.

But he's not confident enough in his knowledge of psychology to say it out loud.]

[So he might as well just get ahead of the game so that when she does see it's controlled shock!]

It only happens when I'm not expecting it, though, if I know what might happen then it's a lot easier.

[What she might really have to control is the desire to snap back - but that fits into his suggestion either way, and multiple people have brought it up to her, knowing her propensity for sex and her willingness to engage in safe kink affairs. But none of them have really understood how thoroughly terrified Nariko is of her own mostly repressed anger.]

Besides, I know you're not my mom. The voice is pretty different!

[Which is why she was able to collect herself a lot more quickly than she would have if he'd really set her off.]

[Noooooooo!]

Heh. The difference is that I get paid to scream and she doesn't.

[For once, he's finally making light of a situation.]

[She snorts at that first, and then actually laughs.]

Now she doesn't, at least.

[Opera's like refined screaming in the form of different languages! She relaxes into the seat, finally smiling normally.]

So, Krieg. It almost sounded like we shifted from 'this is a thing that might be a possibility' to 'this is a thing that's incredibly more likely to happen when the right stuff is there'.

[Because she's really gonna need him to have that ball gag for the first time, at least. It'll be nerve-wracking on its own to take a man's virginity.]

[Krieg can scream in different languages too! Arabic, Hebrew, German...it's a weird set of languages, sure, but he had to have something to do when laid up in rehab.]

Unless you want to use strap rigging, but I can't get too excited about getting tied up with something covered with road gunk...

[Ew.]

..then yes. How well do you know how to tie? [Or is he gonna have to set himself up? While it might be really erotic for Nariko to watch, it undoubtedly takes a lot longer and kind of ruins the illusion a little.]

[Oh, he should definitely mention the Arabic, somehow.]

Well enough that you really don't have to worry about it. [Except that's not the best answer, and it is important for him to know, so.] I can't exactly do it in my sleep or anything but I learned form a professional. I'm better at doing it to other people than to myself.

[Because that was a thing, but good god did she always somehow manage to tangle herself no matter how much practice she put into it.]

Sounds good.

[Hey, as long as she's not a rookie! Getting tips from a professional is more than he can say for himself, which all came from online tutorials in various formats and forum discussion.]

I trust you.

[..which was the core of his concern, wasn't it? Trust.]

[Should he? The question hangs on her tongue but she bites it back - that's his choice. And she wouldn't ever try to harm him on purpose anyway and that's the point. Maybe it's just intimidating to have someone's trust in her at all when she's usually brushed off quite easily.]

Trust me more when I pull it off.

[This is a tad more complicated than just rolling around for the first time, so now she's a little worried about her ability to pull it off but - she'll still give it her best shot.]

[It's not exactly the most comforting sentiment, but he'll take it.]

'Grenade.'

[Not that he's going to be able to say it when he's gagged, but still. Makes him feel a little better, and hopefully it does her, too.]

Oh, that's a good one. Mine used to be 'bacon'.

[Back when she had regular sex.]

What about when you can't talk, though?

[The first thing she can really think of is a certain pattern of blinking, but maybe that's lame.]

Cute.

[He's not sure 'bacon' would work for him, on the grounds that it's not really alarming enough. Yelling 'grenade' is definitely alarming.]

If you're not planning to bind my whole hand...

[He takes a hand off the steering wheel to hold up a pinky finger. It'd be easy enough to pull off if his wrists are bound. It means she'd have to watch his hands carefully, but it's not like it's a gesture likely to happen all on its own.]

We could buy a bell if you're not confident in it.

That'd be perfect!

[She does plan on being able to see his hands, the first few times around!]

Probably need the bell for other positions, though. Variety is the spice of life, and all.

[And while she isn't the most ultra confident form of herself in this that doesn't mean she isn't looking forward to the challenge of it, and to the freedom that will result from overcoming it. Letting her imagination run wild is a big part of that.]

We'll go ahead and buy the bell anyway.

[Yeah he might be behind the idea of doing it multiple times with her. So maybe he really is warming up to the idea like he should.

It's nice to talk about it beforehand. For some reason, he thought it was meant to be a spur of the moment thing.]

...I'm assuming Vegas has a sex toy store.

[There's no way it can't!]

[That gets another true, genuine laugh out of her.]

I mean, it's only the home of the adult entertainment awards! I think we'll be alright!

[She just - man, she really needed a good laugh and it kind of tumbles into that, sloughing off any stress or residual feelings that just aren't needed.]

I really think we'll be fine. [If she gives the impression of saying that for the both of them it's only because she is. He'll be okay, and she won't ruin their friendship. She opens her notebook and finds her pen again.

She's probably still going to have a little bit of fun when he goes to sleep tonight, which is definitely happening because he doesn't need to be messing up his own schedule, and she's a night person anyway.]

W-wait, what? That's a thing?!

[HE HONESTLY HAD NO IDEA. He's usually watching homegrown videos on the internet, not DVDs, so he's blissfully ignorant of everything related to the adult entertainment industry.]

What--what kind of categories do they have?

[She looks at him with complete and utter skepticism! How - How do you not know that's a thing?! Holy shit.]

There's, like, over fifty or something. Best male and female performer, best all girl scene, best director, best foreign film, best sex comedy!

[So, so many different awards. She doesn't rent DVDs either but she does follow, uh, certain companies online that end up making appearances at the show itself which is sort of how she ends up hearing about it when the time comes.]

Wow. I had no idea.

[...clearly.]

I always thought pornography was like the wild west of cinematography. No rules, total anarchy, competition for the sluttiest actors...I had no idea that they were organized enough to have an awards ceremony.

Those judges must watch an ungodly amount of porn.

[A beat.]

Did you ever consider it? Becoming a porn star.

[She seems like she has the "lots of sex" requirement handled.]

[She grins and seems happy to leave it at that until he asks that question. Somehow it's surprising that he's the first person in her life to ask the question - although now that she thinks about it there were probably quite a few who wanted to ask.]

No, I mean, there's other stuff I've considered that's along those lines, and it's not like I haven't had sex in public or in front of specific people ...

[This isn't explaining her lack of porn oriented decisions at all, is it?] I don't think I'd like never being known for anything else. And it's not very personal. There are other sex oriented things that are much easier, so I'd sooner go with those options.

Huh.

[Never thought of it that way.]

I guess it'd be hard to get employed by anyone who got off on watching you get it.

Well, it might not be 'hard'. [It'd probably be difficult to work for someone who knew what she'd done.]

But, I mean, I'd rather bang Roman and call him 'Daddy' for a summer and have enough money for two years than know that some video I make could be bought by virtually any company that throws out enough money. [The fact that Krieg seems so earnestly curious above all else makes it far too easy to talk about this stuff. She'd pretty much never bring up that man unless she was positive that her life depended on it.]

One thing that's concerning about industrial porn is that you probably don't have a lot of control over your work. It can go anywhere, your bound by a contract. If you're an escort or a sugar baby then the people you're stuck with are more capricious and demanding, but they're generally very rule-abiding.

Huh. I had no idea it was that...complicated.

[It's not really the right word, but it's the first one that comes to mind to describe such a situation where something so personal is so...publicly used.]

I liked just going through user submitted stuff. 'Cause--depending on the website--they still own it, and they can take it down when they want. And they get creative, too, like wearing masks or using camera angles to hide their face...

[Krieg just likes artists who make their own stuff, you know? Smut...artists.

...which gives him an idea.]

You, uh...wanna watch some together? [Her faves and/or his.]

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